Monday, December 03, 2012

Live Garden Gnome? and More On Rogue Elf

Police were called to the home of a frantic 63 yr. old widow, late last night after the woman told a 911 dispatcher that one of the statues from her prized garden gnome collection had come to life.

When police arrived, the woman told them that, earlier in the evening, she was cleaning out a storage room in her basement when she discovered that two large jugs of homemade apple juice had been forgotten and had accidentally turned to hard cider. She further explained that alcohol is "the devil's juice" and she didn't want it in her house. She claimed she had set the jugs at the curb for trash collection and didn't think anything more of them until she heard a disturbance at her curb around 10pm., at which time, she looked out her window to witness what she claimed was one of her garden gnomes come to life, chugging the last drop of cider from one of the jugs before sprinkling the second jug with an unknown sparkly substance, mounting the jug like a pony and flying off into the sky on it. Police confirmed the presence of an empty glass jug on the woman's curb, but refused to comment when asked whether they'd be issuing an all points bulletin for the gallivanting garden gnome. The woman, whose identity is being withheld pending notification of her family, passed a breathalyzer and is being held for psychiatric evaluation at a local hospital.

In unrelated news, for the sixth straight night, throngs of holiday shoppers at Zazzle, were delighted by the antics of a drunken elf, alleged to be an escaped North Pole elf on an epic bender. As per his now well established schedule, the intoxicated merry maker arrived just before midnight, sprinkled magic dust on a shopping cart and flew up and down the aisles of countless Zazzle shops. "I always thought a Christmas elf would smell like cookies or hot chocolate," said one eyewitness, "but underneath the heavy stench of alcohol, I swear I smelled a hint of apples!"

The crowds that have gathered in hopes of seeing the elf have grown, each night and several shoppers have taken to holding up signs proclaiming their love and admiration for the elf. One man brought a sign that said, "The next round is on me" with his home address on it. The man later told us the elf had taken the sign from his upreached hands as he flew the cart over the crowd and that he'd be leaving two bottles of peppermint schnapps on his porch for the diminutive toy maker. "I bet he's never tried a liquid candy cane," the man later told reporters, "but I know he's going to love it!"

Shortly after the elf's departure, shoppers around the world began taking advantage of the night's magic word 12DAILYDEAL6 to save 40% off shirts & mugs and 15% off everything else in thousands of Zazzle shops.

That the magic has worn off at 11:59pm PST each night, precisely 24 hours after it has been applied to the shopping cart, seems to confirm early reports that the elf is indeed one of Santa's elves and that the fur lined red velvet pouch contains Santa's magic flying sleigh dust, taken from the North Pole upon the elf's escape. The North Pole, continues to deny the elf is one of theirs.

Officials are encouraging anyone who wishes to save 40% on shirts and mugs or 15% on other cool home, office and gift items to test the magic word 12DAILYDEAL6 for themselves before the magic expires at 11:59pm Pacific Standard Time, tonight.

You can try it out in any of these fine shops:

Melhi Ink - My primary shop. Liberal politics, Peace, green living, lgbt, humor/snark, anti-Valentine, pro-divorce, etc.

GearCandy - Image driven designs. Patterns, photos, drawings, etc. Looking for my popular lines of Ninja or Mayan Calendar items? This is the shop you'll find them in!

GlibWare - Word/writing driven designs. Slogans, signs, sayings -- plus a couple of old school travel games.

Heirloom Salon - Vintage treasures and antique book illustrations brought to life again for modern day enjoyment.

The Bone Garden - Skulls, skulls and more skulls.

GrimDandy - The lighter side of Halloween - cute monsters, pumpkins, bats and our trademark character, Grim Dandy, himself, in his fancy stovepipe hat. (A few items say Trick or Treat or Happy Halloween on them, but most do not and can be used/worn year round.)

Crenshaw Bros. Alternative Mortuary Solutions - our hilarious line of Mortuary advertising/marketing humor. (examples: Buy a Happy Cadaver kids meal (with free gummi worms!) in the funeral parlour concession stand, Ask about premium scented embalming fluids in lavender, vanilla or new car. Book Crenshaw the Clown to turn your loved one's funeral into a circus!)

Rapture Rejects - Fun gear for all of us sinners who keep getting left behind every time the righteous have a rapture and whose faces don't get eaten off in the zombie apocalypse and who find out that the Mayan doomsday wasn't the end of the world, after all. (There's literally something for everyone in this shop. Heh.)

And if these shops don't have what you're looking for, I'm sure one of the other fine designers at Zazzle does!

Happy shopping!

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