Thursday, May 12, 2011

So You're Getting Raptured...

We know the date of the Rapture! May 21, 2011. This may come as a shock, dear Righteous reader, but I will not joining you. That's right, I will be a Rapture Reject. It's OK. I know what I did. (and I really, REALLY enjoyed doing it... I mean like REALLY enjoyed doing it!)

That said, I could not be more excited you'll be shaking loose this mortal coil (and your clothing) to rise into the sky with your beloved Savior & accept your heavenly reward for all those years of being completely uncool & having no fun at all. Seriously, I am thrilled for you! My only regret is that I won't get to read your tweets about how cool it felt to be naked, outside, for the first time. (It does feel AWESOME - you're going to LOVE it! That I know this is part of why I don't get to go with you.)

But, what to do with your Earthly belongings? You won't be needing them, but not all shameless sinners are created equal. You don't want the home you raised your children in or Grandma's wedding ring falling into the wrong hands? Satan LOVES to defile that stuff. (Yes, in THAT way! EW!) And you don't want your hard earned money used by Satan to pay his whores. Do you?

Well, dear Righteous Reader... I'm not THAT kind of sinner. I'm the fun, harmless kind. So harmless I made it through all but the final Rapture cut. I can't stand Satan or his devoted minions and they can't stand me right back!

I've been letting it be known on Twitter and elsewhere that if you're being Raptured, you're welcome to send, sign, deed and/or title your Earthly belongings & holdings to me.

Today, it came to my attention, via The Political Carnival that I have competition. Yes, that's right! There is another person making the same offer, but via the vile/evil stalking grounds of murderers & rapists (aka Satan's executive staff!)known as Craigslist. (Don't believe me about the murderers & rapists who hang out there? Look it up on Google News! It's true!!)

Please, May 21 will be here before you know it. If your choice comes down to trusting your Earthly gains to him or me, know that UNLIKE HIM I promise not to let Satan lick, hump or in any way defile your stuff!

If you're interested, leave me a comment that includes some method of private contact so I can let you know where to send your money, property deeds, jewelry, etc. without tipping Satan off to where they'll be after you've departed.

Bon Voyage & God Speed!

Monday, May 02, 2011

We Got Him!

May 1, 2011: At long last, Osama bin Laden is dead. May he rot in Hell!