As too few people are already aware, in March of 2004, I was among the hopefuls vying to be selected as running mate on the Nick Esposito Presidential ticket. Sadly, (for the American people,) my name was not added to that ticket and... as I'm sure most of you have noticed by now... Mr. Esposito did not win his bid for the White House. Coincidence? No.
Since the '04 debacle that failed to place me a mere death rattle away from the helm, I have taken some time to reflect on what might have been and to consider my best course of action as regards the 2008 Presidential election. I have come to the conclusion that it is for the best that I was not added to the Esposito ticket as it would have been unfair for me to guarantee one candidate's chances over the others by adding my name to one ticket, alone. As such, I am renewing my generous offer to serve as running mate and Vice President. But, more importantly, I am extending my unbelievably selfless offer to each and every Presidential candidate, on the hopes that, in the interest of fairness and a skin-tight election that draws phenomenal election season ratings, I will be named running mate on each and every candidate's ticket.
Not only am I a heckuva swell person (as evidenced, above,) I'm also highly qualified for the position (as evidenced, below!)
As a native mid-westerner, I have nearly 40 years of experience cowering in the basement from tornadoes. As we've learned from watching news anchors on both CNN and WKRP in Cincinnati, this experience translates directly to Vice Presidential reactionary protocol in times of foreign threat.
I'm already an unknown, so it will require no effort or expense to get 4 out of 5 American people to draw a blank when asked who I am.
I have friends and family, many of whom I haven't heard from in years, who'd be more than happy to come out of the woodwork to accept plum government contracts, saving taxpayers the expense, time and trouble of a bidding and selection process. This will shift additional financial burden off of the American taxpayer by keeping my friends and relatives off of welfare and by generating kickbacks, which will eliminate the need for salary increases in the Executive branch! So, adding me to the ticket is like adding a living breathing tax cut that congress can't screw with!
I have been divorced as per the requirement that all party candidates for positions lesser than commander in chief be divorced at least once. Unfortunately, I have not yet had the opportunity to divorce multiple times or to divorce an invalid who depended on me, alone, for companionship and basic survival needs, but I hope my other qualifications and my honesty about this one short-coming will make up for it.
As a wife, parent, former child and generally stubborn, overly opinionated woman, I am uniquely qualified to thumb America's nose in the face of the world (as represented in the UN.) As all who have known me would be all too happy to verify, I am a self-proclaimed expert in everything, with a lifetime of experience disagreeing with others (often just for the sake of disagreeing,) and acting without considering anyone's input, then backpeddling after it blows up in my face, twisting the situation back to my favor. I would be honored to provide this same valuable service for our next President and for the American people.
My experience as a landlord proves that I am both experienced in and comfortable with being paid well to do absolutely nothing.
By countless minutes of practicing in front of the mirror, I have mastered the ability to repeat important interview responses, such as the following, with a straight face:
1. "The world is a safer place now that the rainforest is a smouldering crater incapable of supporting even rudimentary life."
2. "We were not hunting them for sport, as the press would have you believe. These so-called harmless starving children were highly trained and organized terrorist operatives using charitable relief organizations as a conduit to fund the development of weapons of mass destruction. As for rumors that several high ranking officials, including myself and the President, have had their heads stuffed and mounted, these are not, I repeat, NOT hunting trophies. These heads hang on our office walls to serve as reminders that threats come in all shapes and sizes."
3. "When viewing surveillance footage of the alleged White House orgy, you have to bear in mind that these cameras are connected to computers and that if any half-witted child with a computer can use common software to doctor photos and video, it's likely that the half-witted minimum wage staffers monitoring our surveillance cameras also know how to use this software."
4. "Dan Rather, you ignorant slut!" (Note: I originally rehearsed these responses and submitted these qualifications to Mr. Esposito in March of 2004. The Dan Rather thing hadn't happened, yet! Spooky? Ok, maybe a little, but it also means that with me lurking in the immediate shadow of our next President, the American taxpayer will be spared the financial burden of paying a White House psychic!)
5. "Why should Americans slave their lives away to provide goods and services for lazy foreigners? Isn't it enough that we saved their asses in the war? By sending American jobs overseas, we're seeing to it that those bastards will be serving US for a change!"
But wait, there's still more!
I'm willing to let the nerds on the Supreme Court hang out with me, to get and keep the Justices firmly in the pocket of the Whitehouse, where they belong.
If called upon to disappear for my country, I am prepared to do so and have done so, in the private sector, many times. Even neighbors and close relatives have worried whether I'd met with an untimely demise, when in fact, I was merely avoiding them.
I am equally willing to draw the attention of the press away from the President by maintaining a high profile while engaging in questionable activities that will be much more titillating for the American people to hear about than whatever boring thing it is the President has been doing.
I do hope that each 2008 Presidential candidate will select me for this or some other high paying, do-nothing position in his (or her) administration (Head of FEMA, perhaps.) I sit willing, ready and eager to provide a complete lack of service to and for my country, to hide underground at the slightest hint of danger, to party with the right people to further the President's cause, to put my relatives to work for the American taxpayer, to support (or at least give the impression that I'm aware of) the President's every decision and action and to deny everything on his (or her) behalf.
Above all -- I'm not just in it for the nookie, I'm in it for the money, too!