Between that and a wonderful weekend getting to talk to voters from my local party's booth at a busy street festival over the weekend, I have been away from the dull roar of the television speakers and from the blinding glare of my own computer screen, for several hours at a time, over the last several days. ...And sometime during my absence I missed the latest bombshell scientific announcement from Todd "Magical Mystery Uterus" Akin.
According to Mr. Akin, who is the Republican nominee for Senate in Missouri, running against Democratic incumbent Claire "Actually Has a Legitimate Uterus" McCaskill, there's been something sinister afoot for a loooong time. Sneaky abortion doctors have been giving abortions to innocent people WHO AREN'T EVEN PREGNANT!!!!
I know, right?! Some of these unwitting innocents might even be MEN! They're almost NEVER pregnant!! This is clearly the story of the century - sure to rock the medical and scientific communities not only to their cores but off their snobby "we know how the human body actually works and that's not possible" high horses.
I am neither a doctor nor a scientist, so, like Mr. Akin, I have absolutely no freaking clue how it is scientifically, medically or anatomically possible to abort a fetus that doesn't exist. But, according to Todd Akin, it's happening, buddy, and it might have happened to YOU, without your knowledge!
How can you be sure a sneaky abortion doctor didn't perform an abortion on you, without your knowledge, when you weren't even pregnant?! Well, lucky for you, my crack team of Melhican Un-scientists came up with a few simple yes or no questions you can ask yourself, privately, to determine whether you have been a victim of a sneak abortion attack when you weren't even pregnant:
Instructions: Answer Yes or No to each question, then use the scoring provided after the quiz, to determine whether you've been a victim of a drive-by fetus-less abortion.
- Since the day you entered puberty, have you ever experienced one or more days (not necessarily in a row) that you were NOT pregnant?
- Have you ever looked at a clock, only to discover that more time had passed than you thought?
- Have you ever had what felt like an abdominal cramp, a stomach ache or a side stitch?
- Have you ever had the feeling someone was watching you? OR noticed a stranger actually looking at you?
- If you answered "PURPLE" to any of these questions, I'd like to thank you for reading my blog, Mr. Akin.
- If you answered "YES" or "NO" to any of these questions, you can rest easy. You've never had an abortion performed on you, with or without your knowledge, when you were not pregnant. BECAUSE IT ISN'T FRIGGING POSSIBLE TO ABORT A FETUS THAT DOES NOT EXIST. DUH!!!!!!
- If you answered "Muslim Brotherhood" to any of these questions, for the love of something, somewhere, Ms. Bachmann, please seek professional help and take the anti-psychotic medication the good doctor prescribes you. We're all worried about you, dear.
I hope I have helped ease some worried minds, this morning.