... on your show, while you interview me... I'll even bring the hot dogs.
Gee whiz, what does it take to get booked on the Colbert Report? My press release has been out there for a couple of hours, I've been blogged and I introduced a whole new symbol for today's Republican party that I know Stephen secretly wishes he'd thought of first (only fair, I've often wished I'd thought of "truthiness" first... every time I have to send Stephen a nickel for saying it.)
Seriously, The General has everything...
He's dressed up like a 5 star general, even though he's seen combat only from the good safe distance of a live satellite feed.
His uniform is red, white and blue, so it's like he's wrapping himself in the flag to show how much more patriotic he is than the rest of us.
He's a pig... and you know how the enemy feels about pigs... really cheeses them off and I don't know if you've ever tried pig cheese, but, we could win the war with that stuff! Why, the smell alone...
The General's shiny new acronym is G.I.P. which is short for "Gipper" - patron saint of today's Republican party, PLUS it stands for Greed and Ignorance Party. Now, now... I know what you're thinking. But, it's not yet another of my mean, snark infested jabs at the opposing party. No. I'm reaching across the aisle to my conservative American brothers and sisters in all sincerity here. Need proof?
OK. Who's more conservative than Stephen? Nobody. So, if he'd like it, you know it's OK. ...And since he'd LOVE it, it's way better than OK. Right? Right!
Think about it: Greed is the opposite of giving poor people all of your money, so it's a no-brainer that Stephen likes greed. How many times has he said that if poor people want money, they should get a show of their own? Well, trust me, he'll say it eventually. Ignorance is bliss -- who doesn't like bliss?
We interrupt this blog article for an URGENT UPDATE:
Aug. 6, 2008 - Stephen came out of the closet as an Ignorant American, on The Colbert Report, embracing his ignorance, pleading for the anti-ignorant bigotry to stop and calling for Febtember to be named Ignorance Month. (See, I told you he was down with ignorance! Nyah!!)
...And party? Please... if you look up party in the dictionary, there's a picture of Stephen... rolling the drunk kids passed out in puddles of their own puke, on the lawn so he can turn their IDs into law enforcement.
Plus... The General has dozens of campaign slogans he can really get behind -- literally... the slogans are printed on the fronts of the shirts and it would be really cool of him to let the market speak through him to me by buying at least one of each. Slogans like... "Together We Can Prevent Change," "Together We Can Make Sure Our Troops NEVER Come Home" and "Vote Republican Or We'll Put You On The Terrorist List."
Seriously, Stephen... call me.